Registered Psychologist
Adoption changes families in ways that are profound, complicated, and often under-supported. Most of what’s written about adoption focuses on the needs of adopted children — and rightly so. Children who come to adoption with histories of trauma, neglect, or loss deserve careful, informed support.
But children grow up in families. And the adults raising them need support too.
In 2020 I completed a research study for my master’s degree in counselling psychology exploring the mental health experiences of adoptive fathers in Canada. I interviewed eleven fathers about what adoption had done to their own wellbeing. The findings shaped how I think about working with adoptive families, and they’re worth sharing.
What adoptive fathers actually experience
Most of the fathers I spoke to came to adoption after painful fertility journeys — years of IVF, miscarriage, and grief before choosing adoption. That grief doesn’t disappear when a child is placed. It often sits alongside the joy of becoming a parent, complicated and unresolved.
The adoption home study was experienced by almost every participant as deeply intrusive. Being assessed on your past, your relationship, your home, your suitability as a parent. Several fathers described it as feeling less like support and more like scrutiny — being looked at rather than helped.
For those who adopted privately, the 10-day revocation period was among the most psychologically difficult experiences they described. Fully attached to a child, living with the possibility of losing them at any moment, with no real support in place for what that was doing to them.
Eggshell parenting
The most significant theme that emerged from my research was something I came to call eggshell parenting — the experience of living on edge, of never quite knowing what will trigger a difficult moment, of carrying a persistent low-level anxiety about what comes next.
Children who have experienced early trauma can struggle to feel safe even in loving, stable homes. That struggle can show up as challenging behaviour, emotional volatility, or difficulty with attachment. Over time, parenting in that environment leaves many adults in a state of chronic hypervigilance. Walking on eggshells.
Many of the fathers I spoke to didn’t have language for this. When I described eggshell parenting to them, the recognition was immediate. Several said it was the first time anyone had accurately named what they were living with.
The mental health gap
Research suggests that up to 24% of adoptive fathers experience symptoms of depression following placement — comparable to rates of postnatal depression in new mothers, which has been a public health priority for decades. The mental health of adoptive fathers has received a fraction of the same attention.
The fathers in my study reported that what helped most wasn’t professional support — it was other adoptive parents. People who had been through it and didn’t need things explained. That kind of peer connection is something adoption services in Canada have been slow to build deliberately.
How we can help
At Solasta Counselling we work with adoptive families across Calgary and Alberta. We understand that the challenges adoptive parents face are distinct, and that fathers in particular often carry a great deal that goes unacknowledged.
If you’re an adoptive parent struggling with the weight of what you’re carrying — the hypervigilance, the relationship strain, the grief that never quite resolved — counselling with someone who understands the adoption context can make a real difference.
A free 20-minute consultation call is available to help you find the right fit.