Written by David Tamagi, R.Psych. — Registered Psychologist, College of Alberta Psychologists. David specializes in men’s mental health, life transitions, and relationship counselling, using ACT, CBT, and motivational interviewing approaches. View David’s profile >>
The Gratitude Practice Guide for People Who Gave Up
What Is a Gratitude Practice?
A gratitude practice is a deliberate, repeated habit of noticing and reflecting on the positive things in your life, with the goal of training your brain to recognize and experience gratitude more often over time.
Gratitude has been a hot topic in psychology for a while now, and for good reason. There is a stack of literature that links gratitude to a multitude of positive outcomes.
Some of these benefits are things that you might expect, like increasing positive outlook, improving symptoms of anxiety, or helping to relieve depression. Logically, if we look at the good things in our lives, we might feel better. However, other benefits that have been found are less predictable. Studies have found the benefits of gratitude include improved immunity, better sleep, and even benefits for chronic pain.
If there was a pill that could do all this, we’d all be taking it. So why are we not all practicing gratitude? One of the drawbacks of this practice comes from an odd combination. Practicing gratitude sounds extremely easy, and… it’s actually not that easy. This mismatch between expectation and reality leaves most who begin this practice discouraged and giving up.
Also, the benefits of gratitude are not felt right away. It takes a long time of work with no reward before we see any lasting benefits. Our neurological reward systems were not designed for this type of practice as they are much more stimulated by immediate feedback. Because of this, it is hard for us to sustain a practice like this when nothing changes in the short term.
Finally, when you’re sad or anxious, gratitude is really hard to feel. Our emotional state can lock us into a certain way of seeing things. When we are distressed, we can be presented with all the good things in our lives, and subjectively, they will not outweigh our worries. These emotional states tend to dampen our ability to feel gratitude in the first place, which can be discouraging. Approaches like CBT can help build the skills to work with these emotional states alongside a gratitude practice.
All that said, here is a guide to a gratitude practice and some helpful tips to get the most out of it:
Step 1: Start a Running Gratitude List
Keep an ongoing list of things you are grateful for. Add to it whenever something new comes up, rather than trying to write a fresh list each time.
Step 2: Review Your List Every Day
Choose a time of day to go over your list, every day. It helps to attach this to something you already do, like brushing your teeth. You might also make a physical list and hang it somewhere prominent as a reminder.
Step 3: Choose a Gratitude Buddy
Find a gratitude buddy with whom you will exchange one thing you’re grateful for every day. Sharing the practice with someone else builds accountability and makes it easier to stick with.
Things to Keep in Mind
This will not work every day. The point of this practice is not to feel gratitude every day — in fact, you almost surely won’t feel deep gratitude every time you go through your list. Our goal here is to give ourselves the chance to feel grateful every day. Some days you might go through your whole list and feel nothing. This is especially true for those working through chronic mental health struggles like anxiety and depression. However, one day, you might feel a hint of gratitude in response to something on your list. This is the opportunity we are open to when we commit to a gratitude practice. When we have more opportunities for gratitude, we may experience it more often. If we can experience it more often, we can begin to turn the tide in our emotional lives toward the positive.
When something on your list elicits gratitude, take the time to take it in. We so often rush past positive experiences as they naturally fade. By taking the time to sit with the gratitude, even for a few extra seconds, we maximize the impact it has on our brain. This can look different for everyone, but basically it involves elaborating on the feeling. For example, if you are grateful for a loved one, take the time to remember acts of caring or sit in the feeling of love for them. Try to extend that experience for as long as you can.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to feel the benefits of gratitude?
Gratitude practice works gradually rather than immediately. Most people don’t feel a noticeable shift right away, since our neurological reward systems respond more strongly to immediate feedback than to a slow practice like this one. Lasting benefits, such as improved mood, sleep, and stress levels, tend to build over weeks or months of consistent practice.
Why is gratitude hard to feel when I’m anxious or depressed?
Anxiety and depression can lock our attention onto worries and negative thoughts, making it harder for positive things to register emotionally, even when we can name them. This doesn’t mean the practice isn’t working — it means the practice is especially important, and especially difficult, during these periods.
Is it normal to feel nothing during a gratitude practice?
Yes. Many days you may go through your gratitude list and feel little or nothing, particularly if you’re managing ongoing mental health challenges. The goal isn’t to force a feeling every time, but to create consistent opportunities for gratitude so that when it does arise, you’re in a position to notice and benefit from it.
Do I need to do this alone, or can I practice gratitude with others?
You can do either, but sharing the practice with a gratitude buddy, someone you exchange daily gratitude messages with, often makes it easier to stay consistent and adds a social, accountability element that a solo list doesn’t provide.