Written by David Tamagi, R.Psych. — Registered Psychologist, College of Alberta Psychologists. David specializes in men’s mental health, life transitions, and relationship counselling, using ACT, CBT, and motivational interviewing approaches. View David’s profile >>
As I mentioned in the last post, positivity is (obviously) a good thing, but forcing oneself to be positive all the time can have some negative consequences.
Again, these problems arise from the reality that life is both good and bad, pleasure and pain. When we only acknowledge half of our lived experience, this type of positivity can actually be detrimental to our long term wellbeing.
To advocate for the experiencing of our more unpleasant emotions, I’ll turn to ideas from 2 foundational thinkers in psychology: Sigmund Freud and Victor Frankl
Freud recognized the dangers of repressing our emotions early on. He observed that when someone has a thought or feeling that is uncomfortable, one way of coping is simply to repress that thought or feeling.
If that repression meant that the feeling just went away, then we would be talking about an excellent coping strategy. Unfortunately, Freud identified the repression of our thoughts and feelings as the source of many of the psychological problems people experience.
Frankl was a Holocaust survivor who studied psychological outcomes for other survivors after the war. Briefly, he found that the main factor in those who coped better with their trauma was their ability to attribute meaning to their suffering.
He went on to argue that this was an essential skill in our journey as human beings. In a world where suffering is inevitable, learning to find meaning in our sadness, fear, and anger is a key learning as we move toward peace and contentment in a world filled with suffering.
In order to get better at coping with negative experiences and the emotions that come with them, we need to have lots of negative experiences and the emotions that come with them. In essence, practice makes progress.
A refusal to acknowledge and face the negative aspects of our experience robs us of the practice we need to develop the skill of finding meaning in our suffering.
So what do we do about this positivity balance? Especially considering that negative rumination is a real danger to our mental health. Here are a few thoughts on how we can change our relationship with negative thoughts and feelings without simply ignoring them:
- Ask yourself: is it appropriate to be upset in this situation? If we’ve experienced a setback at work or someone said something hurtful, our negative emotions are certainly appropriate. In cases like this, there may be no need to modify our negative emotions.
- What am I feeling? Using emotional literacy tools to explore how you are feeling can give you insight into your emotions. With this knowledge, you can more effectively give that emotion the space it needs.
- What is keeping me stuck in this emotion? Often when we ruminate, it’s because there is something about the situation that is particularly disturbing to us. If we can find out what that thing is and acknowledge it, it can help us to move on
- Can I find meaning in my past suffering? By looking to our past, we can get practice in finding the meaning or lesson in our suffering. Slowly, this can build a trust in our own resiliency, which can give us the strength to endure our suffering and find meaning in the present.
Learning to sit with difficult emotions instead of pushing them away takes practice, and support helps. Our Calgary psychologists offer in-person sessions at 1716 16 Ave NW, and virtual counselling across Alberta. Book a Free Consultation Call to get started.