Category: Trauma & Family

Scott McKirdy is a Registered Psychologist and co-owner of Solasta Counselling. In 2020, he completed original research for his master’s degree in counselling psychology on the mental health experiences of adoptive fathers in Canada — research that coined the term “eggshell parenting,” explored further in this article. View Scott’s profile >>

Adoption changes families in ways that are profound, complicated, and often under-supported. Most of what’s written about adoption focuses on the needs of adopted children — and rightly so. Children who come to adoption with histories of trauma, neglect, or loss deserve careful, informed support.

But children grow up in families. And the adults raising them need support too.

In 2020 I completed a research study for my master’s degree in counselling psychology exploring the mental health experiences of adoptive fathers in Canada. I interviewed eleven fathers about what adoption had done to their own wellbeing. The findings shaped how I think about working with adoptive families, and they’re worth sharing.

What adoptive fathers actually experience

Most of the fathers I spoke to came to adoption after painful fertility journeys — years of IVF, miscarriage, and grief before choosing adoption. That grief doesn’t disappear when a child is placed. It often sits alongside the joy of becoming a parent, complicated and unresolved.

The adoption home study was experienced by almost every participant as deeply intrusive. Being assessed on your past, your relationship, your home, your suitability as a parent. Several fathers described it as feeling less like support and more like scrutiny — being looked at rather than helped.

For those who adopted privately, the 10-day revocation period was among the most psychologically difficult experiences they described. Fully attached to a child, living with the possibility of losing them at any moment, with no real support in place for what that was doing to them.

Eggshell parenting

The most significant theme that emerged from my research was something I came to call eggshell parenting — the experience of living on edge, of never quite knowing what will trigger a difficult moment, of carrying a persistent low-level anxiety about what comes next.

Children who have experienced early trauma can struggle to feel safe even in loving, stable homes. That struggle can show up as challenging behaviour, emotional volatility, or difficulty with attachment. Over time, parenting in that environment leaves many adults in a state of chronic hypervigilance. Walking on eggshells.

Many of the fathers I spoke to didn’t have language for this. When I described eggshell parenting to them, the recognition was immediate. Several said it was the first time anyone had accurately named what they were living with.

The mental health gap

Research suggests that up to 24% of adoptive fathers experience symptoms of depression following placement — comparable to rates of postnatal depression in new mothers, which has been a public health priority for decades. The mental health of adoptive fathers has received a fraction of the same attention.

The fathers in my study reported that what helped most wasn’t professional support — it was other adoptive parents. People who had been through it and didn’t need things explained. That kind of peer connection is something adoption services in Canada have been slow to build deliberately.

How we can help

At Solasta Counselling we work with adoptive families across Calgary and Alberta. We understand that the challenges adoptive parents face are distinct, and that fathers in particular often carry a great deal that goes unacknowledged.

If you’re an adoptive parent struggling with the weight of what you’re carrying — the hypervigilance, the relationship strain, the grief that never quite resolved — counselling with someone who understands the adoption context can make a real difference.

A free 20-minute consultation call is available to help you find the right fit.

If you’ve been searching for answers about trauma therapy, you’re not alone. Whether you’re dealing with something that happened recently or something you’ve carried for years, the question is the same: what actually works?

At Solasta Counselling in Calgary, our registered psychologists specialize in evidence-based trauma therapy — including EMDR, somatic therapy, and CBT. This guide answers the most common questions we hear from people ready to take that first step.

What Therapy Is Best for Trauma?

There’s no single “best” therapy for trauma — the most effective approach depends on your specific experiences, how trauma shows up in your body and mind, and what feels manageable for you. That said, research consistently supports a few key modalities:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

EMDR is widely considered one of the most effective treatments for PTSD and trauma. It works by helping your brain reprocess distressing memories using bilateral stimulation — such as guided eye movements or gentle tapping — so that those memories lose their emotional charge. Many people experience significant relief within a relatively short number of sessions.

At Solasta, several of our psychologists are trained in EMDR, including Marissa Whalley, Sarah Choudhry, and Misha Waheed. Learn more about our EMDR therapy in Calgary.

Somatic Therapy

Trauma doesn’t just live in your mind — it lives in your body too. Somatic therapy focuses on the physical sensations and patterns that trauma creates: tension, numbness, a persistent sense of unease or hypervigilance. By working directly with the body, somatic approaches can reach what talk therapy sometimes can’t.

This is especially helpful for people who find it hard to talk about what happened, or who feel stuck even after years of trying to work through things cognitively. 

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

CBT for trauma — including Trauma-Focused CBT — helps you identify and shift the negative thought patterns that often follow traumatic experiences. Beliefs like “I’m not safe,” “It was my fault,” or “I can’t trust anyone” can become deeply ingrained after trauma. CBT gives you practical tools to challenge and reframe those beliefs.

What Are the 7 Trauma Responses?

Most people are familiar with “fight or flight,” but trauma research has expanded our understanding of how the nervous system responds to threat. The seven recognized trauma responses are:

• Fight — becoming angry, confrontational, or defensive
• Flight — fleeing, avoiding, or staying constantly busy
• Freeze — feeling paralyzed, unable to act or speak
• Fawn — over-pleasing others to stay safe (common in relational trauma)
• Flop — a collapse response where the body goes limp or numb
• Dissociation — mentally detaching or feeling unreal
• Attach — clinging to caregivers or relationships for a sense of safety

Understanding your own trauma response isn’t about labelling yourself — it’s about recognizing that these reactions are your nervous system trying to protect you. Therapy helps you build new responses so you’re not stuck in survival mode.

What Are the 6 Stages of Trauma Recovery?

Recovery from trauma isn’t linear, but therapists often describe it in stages. Here’s how we tend to think about the journey at Solasta:

• Safety and stabilization — building a foundation of emotional safety and coping skills before processing begins
• Acknowledgement — beginning to recognize the impact of what happened, often with grief
• Mourning — processing the losses that come with trauma: trust, safety, time, relationships
• Reconnection — rebuilding your sense of identity and your relationship with the world
• Integration — weaving the experience into your life story in a way that no longer defines or controls you
• Post-traumatic growth — many people ultimately discover strengths, values, or connections they wouldn’t have found without the journey

The timeline looks different for everyone. Some people move through these stages in months; for others it takes years, especially with complex trauma. The key isn’t speed — it’s having the right support.

What Does CPTSD Look Like in Women?

Complex PTSD (CPTSD) develops from prolonged or repeated trauma, particularly trauma that was relational in nature — childhood abuse or neglect, domestic violence, or growing up in an unpredictable home environment.

In women, CPTSD often presents differently than the “classic” PTSD picture:

• Persistent self-criticism and shame (often mistaken for low self-esteem or depression)
• Difficulty trusting others, even in safe relationships
• Emotional dysregulation — intense emotional swings that feel hard to control
• Physical symptoms with no clear medical explanation (chronic pain, fatigue, digestive issues)
• A strong “fawn” response — over-giving, people-pleasing, difficulty saying no
• Dissociation or feeling numb or disconnected from yourself

If this resonates, know that you’re not broken — and CPTSD responds well to treatment, particularly EMDR and somatic therapy. We work with many women in Calgary navigating exactly this.

What Is the Hardest Trauma to Heal From?

Trauma researchers generally consider the following types to be among the most challenging to heal:

• Childhood trauma and neglect — particularly when it involved primary caregivers, because it shapes attachment and the nervous system at a foundational level
• Complex or repeated trauma — where there was no safe period between events
• Betrayal trauma — when the source of harm was someone deeply trusted
• Trauma with no language — experiences that happened before we had words, or that were so overwhelming they couldn’t be processed verbally

“Hardest” doesn’t mean impossible. It usually means it requires more time, more layers of work, and the right kind of support. Somatic and EMDR approaches can often reach trauma that talk therapy alone struggles to access.

Where Does Trauma Sit in Your Body?

This is one of the most important questions in trauma therapy. Trauma is stored somatically — meaning it lives in the body, not just the mind. Common places people notice it:

• The chest — tightness, shallow breathing, a sense of dread
• The throat — difficulty speaking, a lump or constriction
• The gut — chronic tension, nausea, or digestive issues
• The shoulders and neck — holding, bracing, carrying the weight
• The jaw — clenching, grinding, tension

Bessel van der Kolk’s foundational work on trauma noted that the body holds traumatic memory in ways the mind doesn’t always have access to. This is why somatic therapy can be so powerful — it works directly with where trauma actually lives.

What Are Three Unhealthy Coping Skills for PTSD?

Many people develop coping strategies that make sense in the short term but create problems over time:

• Avoidance — steering clear of people, places, or situations that feel triggering, which temporarily reduces anxiety but reinforces the nervous system’s fear response over time
• Substance use — alcohol or other substances to numb emotional pain or sleep, which disrupts the natural processing the brain needs to heal
• Emotional suppression — pushing feelings down or staying constantly busy so there’s no space to feel, which can lead to physical health problems and emotional dysregulation

If you recognize yourself in any of these, therapy can help you replace them with strategies that actually support healing — rather than just managing symptoms.

What Is the 3-3-3 Rule for PTSD?

The 3-3-3 rule is a grounding technique for managing anxiety and PTSD symptoms in the moment. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or disconnected, try this:

• Name 3 things you can see right now
• Name 3 sounds you can hear
• Move 3 parts of your body (fingers, toes, shoulders)

It works by redirecting your attention to the present moment and your physical senses, which interrupts the stress response. It’s a useful tool, but it’s a management technique — not a substitute for actually processing the trauma underneath. Therapy gives you more durable tools and works on the root cause.

Ready to Start Trauma Therapy in Calgary?

If any of this resonates, we’d love to support you. Our Calgary psychologists offer EMDR, somatic therapy, CBT, and more — both in-person at our NW Calgary office and online throughout Alberta.

Book a free consultation call, or use our Find Your Therapist quiz to get matched with the right person for you.

 

📞 587-487-7015

Why So Many Adults Are Resonating With Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

If you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing your childhood experience – thinking “It wasn’t abusive, but something just felt off” – you’re not alone. In fact, that exact feeling is what’s drawn so many people to Lindsay C. Gibson’s bestselling book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

It’s been quietly making waves over the past few years, and for good reason. It gives language to a type of emotional neglect that’s hard to spot but deeply impactful.

What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?

Emotionally immature parents often look “normal” from the outside. They might have gone to work, made dinner, paid the bills, but struggled when it came to showing empathy, validating your emotions, or helping you feel seen and safe.

In her book, Gibson describes four types of emotionally immature parents:

• Emotional: reactive, unpredictable, overwhelmed by their own feelings
• Driven: perfectionistic and focused on achievement, not emotional connection
• Passive: disengaged, avoids conflict, lets others take the lead
• Rejecting: critical, dismissive, or controlling

Sound familiar? These patterns can leave children feeling like they’re “too much,” like they have to manage everyone else’s emotions, or like they were never quite enough.

If you want a quick way to check if this might apply to you, this Psychology Today article breaks it down beautifully.

Why This Book Hits Home for So Many

One of the most validating things Gibson does is remind readers that it wasn’t their fault. That being “the responsible one,” or feeling like the emotional adult in the household, wasn’t normal, and definitely wasn’t healthy.

Some of the big takeaways:

• You didn’t imagine it, your emotional needs weren’t met
• Setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s necessary
• You can stop trying to change your parent, and focus on yourself
• Healing is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone

Gibson also talks about how these early experiences can echo into adulthood, showing up in relationships, work dynamics, or the inner critic that just won’t quiet down.

In this podcast interview, she talks more about how liberating it can be to stop chasing connection with someone who just can’t give it — and start giving that connection to yourself instead.

What Therapy Can Offer

The emotional residue of a childhood like this can be subtle but sticky. It’s common for adult children of emotionally immature parents to:

• Struggle with boundaries
• Feel guilty for saying “no”
• Doubt their instincts
• Get stuck in people-pleasing
• Feel lonely in relationships, even when they’re surrounded by others

Therapy can help you unpack all of this gently and at your own pace. It’s not about blaming your parents, it’s about finally seeing things clearly, grieving what you didn’t get, and learning how to take care of your own emotional needs.

At Solasta Counselling, we work with people from all walks of life who are starting to notice these patterns and want something different. Something healthier, more grounded, and more connected.

Looking for a Therapist Who Gets This?

We know that reaching out for support can feel vulnerable, especially if you’re used to handling everything on your own. That’s why we wanted to gently introduce you to three of our therapists who are especially passionate about this kind of work.

🌿 Sarah Choudhry

Sarah is warm, grounded, and knows how to hold space for the “in-between” emotions – grief, guilt, anger, and even relief – that come up when healing from childhood wounds. She supports adults and families in Calgary and is especially attuned to helping clients explore the impact of intergenerational patterns.

🌿 David Tamagi

David brings a thoughtful, encouraging energy to therapy. He supports teens and adults navigating family dynamics, self-esteem, and identity. He offers sessions in both English and French and helps clients build confidence in their own emotional voice, especially if they never felt heard growing up.

It’s Okay to Say: “This Affected Me.”

You don’t need to wait for a breakdown to reach out for support. If you’ve ever read a line in Gibson’s book and thought, “I didn’t know anyone else felt that way,”, that’s your sign. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not imagining things. You’re just ready to feel safe in your own emotional world.

And we’d be honoured to help with that. Reach out to our team – we’re here when you’re ready.

External Links

• Psychology Today: Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents
• Sounds True Podcast with Lindsay C. Gibson
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents on Amazon

Internal Links

• Solasta Counselling Home
• Contact Us
• About Our Team

Counselling in Calgary for Those Departing and Returning from Field Work

Humanitarian aid workers dedicate their lives to helping others in some of the most challenging environments in the world. Whether preparing to leave for a field assignment or returning home after time abroad, these individuals often face unique mental health challenges that require specialized support. At Solasta Counselling, we offer tailored counselling services for humanitarian aid workers, both in person and virtually throughout Alberta. Our therapist, Sarah Choudhry, specializes in supporting those in this field, drawing from her extensive experience both as a psychologist and a former aid worker.

The Unique Mental Health Challenges Faced by Humanitarian Aid Workers

Humanitarian aid work can be immensely rewarding, but it often comes with high levels of stress, trauma exposure, and intense emotional experiences. Those preparing for a field assignment may feel overwhelmed by the unknown, worried about family relationships during their absence, or anxious about adapting to challenging environments. Meanwhile, returning aid workers often struggle with reintegration, grief, or even symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Common concerns that humanitarian aid workers may face include:

• Pre-departure anxiety: Concerns about leaving loved ones, adapting to new cultures, or facing unexpected dangers in the field.
• Trauma exposure: Witnessing violence, displacement, or suffering can lead to emotional distress, even for those accustomed to high-pressure environments.
• Moral injury: Aid workers may struggle with feelings of guilt or helplessness when confronted with overwhelming needs they can’t fully address.
• Isolation and reintegration challenges: Returning home may bring feelings of disconnection, a sense of “reverse culture shock,” or difficulty relating to friends and family who may not understand their experiences.

These complex emotional experiences require compassionate and specialized therapeutic support to help aid workers build resilience and maintain their mental well-being.

How Counselling in Calgary Can Support Humanitarian Aid Workers

At Solasta, Sarah offers dedicated counselling for humanitarian aid workers in Calgary and across Alberta. Sarah’s unique background as both a Registered Provisional Psychologist and a former pharmacist with Médecins Sans Frontières allows her to deeply understand the physical, emotional, and psychological toll that this work can bring.

Sarah’s expertise includes working with trauma, anxiety, depression, and cultural concerns—issues that often overlap with the experiences of humanitarian aid workers. Her therapeutic approach integrates multiple modalities to provide personalized support, including:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): A powerful trauma-focused therapy that helps clients process distressing memories and build emotional resilience.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): An effective method for helping aid workers manage difficult emotions, such as anxiety or guilt, by fostering mindfulness and self-compassion.
• Client-Centered Therapy: Sarah provides a warm, non-judgmental space where clients feel safe exploring their emotions and concerns.
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): This approach equips aid workers with practical coping strategies for managing stress, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts.

Counselling for Aid Workers Preparing for Departure

For those about to embark on a field assignment, pre-departure counselling can provide vital mental preparation. Sarah offers guidance on:

• Developing healthy coping strategies for stress and anxiety.
• Strengthening communication skills for working in high-pressure, multicultural environments.
• Managing feelings of guilt or worry about leaving family and loved ones.

By addressing these concerns in advance, humanitarian aid workers can enter their assignments feeling more grounded and prepared for the emotional demands of their work.

Counselling for Returning Aid Workers

Returning home after a field assignment often presents unexpected challenges. Feelings of disconnection, grief, or culture shock are common. Sarah supports returning aid workers by:

• Helping them process traumatic experiences through EMDR and other trauma-informed therapies.
• Providing strategies for rebuilding relationships with loved ones after a period of separation.
• Supporting individuals as they reintegrate into everyday life, work, and social routines.

Sarah’s personal experience with humanitarian work gives her a unique ability to empathize with these challenges and provide practical tools for healing and growth.

Virtual Counselling for Humanitarian Aid Workers Across Alberta

At Solasta Counselling, we recognize that humanitarian aid workers may not always be able to attend in-person sessions. For this reason, we offers secure and confidential virtual counselling for clients across Alberta. Whether you’re located in Calgary, Edmonton, Red Deer, or a more remote community, Sarah’s services are accessible to support your mental well-being.

Why Choose Solasta Counselling for Humanitarian Aid Worker Support?

Our practice is dedicated to providing empathetic, client-focused care that prioritizes your unique experiences and mental health needs. Sarah brings a combination of psychological expertise and firsthand humanitarian experience, making her especially equipped to support those navigating the emotional complexities of this field.

If you are a humanitarian aid worker preparing for deployment, currently on a field assignment, or adjusting to life after returning home, we invite you to connect with Sarah. Together, we can build the skills and emotional resilience needed to support your well-being as you continue your vital work.

Contact Solasta Counselling and Psychological Services in Calgary

For compassionate support tailored to humanitarian aid workers, contact Solasta in Calgary. We offer both in-person and virtual therapy options to meet your unique needs.

Book an appointment today with Sarah Choudhry to start your journey toward greater emotional well-being and resilience.